FORWARD FROM THE EDITOR: ISSUE ONE

There is a very strange phenomenon currently happening on your couch. Perhaps you have noticed it while spending so much of your life at home, and remedied it with many modern luxuries, trying desperately to escape the ever so slowly caving walls of death.

Or you may have noticed the contrary - the reluctance to spend a night basking in the radiance of your own goods when there is certainly something or someone to escape to in the great outdoors. You wander about, perhaps commuting various mischief and delinquencies, while at home the spoils of your work faithfully await you.

Is it time to reconsider your furnishings? Or perhaps, time to reconsider yourself? Abandon your abode, travel the trees of the rainforest. Ponder whether evolution has ever been right for you. You don’t need to feel stuck with the same old coat of paint. The following are simple suggestions to get you started

1. Replace the television with bananas.
   You and I like bananas, but they like you as well and they are in danger! Bananas are helpeless against a food borne epidemic, and in a few years they will be gone. Why settle for watching 2 and a Half Men every Tuesday when you could be eating bananas (or watching Men Men, Meh on our channel.) Get lots of bananas. Enough to fill up the space of a TV.
2. Consider the couch a last resort
   Screaming is a lot of fun, especially when combined with jumping on a couch. But consider the couch a last resort in terms of jumping or sitting. If your friends need to sleep on a couch, then they are not real friends.
3. Clean your shit off the floor.
   No, I mean it. There’s a lot of your crap on the floor, so put it away.
4. Maybe your cage IS getting smaller
   This could be some wonky philosophical fiction stuff. If you happen to be in jail, tell your inmates. Watch out for a booby trapped floor. If it gets hot, run.
5. Try getting thinner
   Since nobody likes a fat fucking ape like you. I don’t make acquaintances with fat primates and neither should you. Those apes take up too much space. If you’re not friends with yourself, then who will be?
6. Renew your suicide pact
   Speak to the rain spirit about the state of the world. When it goes, you go too.

Also, if I find this in the clutter on your table three months from now I will get you evicted.