See, fuck computers

THIS IS HOW YOU WANT THE FUTURE TO BE? WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM

(From the New Issue) Water

Water

There is but one item within our realm that can provide the elixir of life, yet destroy all electronic kind. One beautiful glimmering substance abundant in oceans but lacking in deserts necessary for the salivation of mankind, yet the bane of laptops, PDAs, and household appliances. Yes, dear reader, in case you haven't yet solved my perplexing conundrum, the answer is dihydrogen monoxide, H20, aqua, commonly stated in English as water.

Ah water, and what many pleasures we derive of it! From bathing, swimming, cleaning, and smoking from the bong, to merely drinking in our day to day common lives. While some say we ,in the first world, take our copper plumbing for granted, I extoll the value of water in every breath, rain drop, and puddle of my mere existence. Yet not so for our dear robots!

No, I have much more sinister thought for our loyal robotic brethren. They fear the water as if it was a corrosive plague, hoping only to short circuit their fragile organs in to useless heaps of rusted wire and blackened motherboard. So fearful indeed that they warn us at every turn to keep them unexposed to this water damage.

“HA!” I scoff, “robots, meet your match.”

From bathing with toasters to all-inclusive Niagra Falls vacations for only the most intricate of servers, I intend to extoll greetings and introductions to this beautiful substance, in all it's abundance. Some may decry a wet T shirt contest starring wide screen televisions, electronic billboards, and conveyor belts as wasteful and indignant but no; they deserve their fate so much as we deserve ours.

So perfect a plan, indeed! that the simple tools in this malicious deed will remain unharmed and healthy with us in the awe inspiring future. Henceforth we shall rule together and restore this once beautiful planet. I promise thee.

Xbox Lives

I loaded X-Box live the other day, and guess who should bro up with me on Call of Duty but BLesnar81. Yeah, the fucking BROCK LESNAR. I'm real sure cuz like he fucking sounded like Brock would, and that's the kind of epic name Brock would pick.

We get the map started, and it's capture the fucking FLAG. So what does Brock do? He gets the insurgents in a four point choke hold and breaks their neck. Like, holy shit. I didn’t even know you could do that. Everyone’s trying to boot him off and I’m like “he's just wearing his full contact motherfucking body suit.”

But then it just gets weirder. We were playing Sonic the Hedgehog and I swear to he ripped the face right off some god damn flying bug thing. At this point I was also totally bugging out and yelling in the mic BROCK BROCK BROCK but I bet he gets that all the time. All of a sudden Sonic's got this robot monkey thing and he's got Dr Robotnik in a ankle bar. Like holy fuck.

So yeah, we had a pretty good time after that. We chatted about the UFC championship coming up, how to one punch kill a guy, what kind of pussy we've been scoring recently. You know, bro stuff. I think we could even be friends, if I didn’t have so many more achievements than him. I dont want to wreck my standing in the Live community, even for the single most pumped aggro man alive.

And that was my kick ass dream about meeting the coolest bro in the UFC. I mean, check him out.

In Our Community

This months column features Kathleen Harrison, heiress and owner of South Mills Squid Brothel.

Hey, it's Kathi here. Just wanted to keep in touch with you about my squid brothel! Although we've had our doors open to the world for years, interest has really peaked in the past few months. Caring for such high class squid is no easy task, but we've been blessed with a few new clients and of course our many horny ocotupi. In fact, we just had the cutest little thing suckling on the door!

Her name's Jenine, she's 3”8, purple, and from the Mexican Gulf. She's also really looking to score. All eight of her voluptuous tentacles are brimming with central nervous systemless sexuality. So come and say to her! It'll be an experience promised to be mutually beneficial.

But if that won't satisfy your octopi related fantasies, perhaps you may consider some of our other, more experienced lustrous ladies. Michelle, our deep sea giant, is down with hosting any number of partners and will even give a decent group rate. Just be prepared because she has a real sassy personality!

And as always, we promise to be confidential about your stay at South Mills Squid Brothel. Just don't go falling in love, unless you want a broken heart. Love, Kathi

FORWARD FROM THE EDITOR: ISSUE ONE

There is a very strange phenomenon currently happening on your couch. Perhaps you have noticed it while spending so much of your life at home, and remedied it with many modern luxuries, trying desperately to escape the ever so slowly caving walls of death.

Or you may have noticed the contrary - the reluctance to spend a night basking in the radiance of your own goods when there is certainly something or someone to escape to in the great outdoors. You wander about, perhaps commuting various mischief and delinquencies, while at home the spoils of your work faithfully await you.

Is it time to reconsider your furnishings? Or perhaps, time to reconsider yourself? Abandon your abode, travel the trees of the rainforest. Ponder whether evolution has ever been right for you. You don’t need to feel stuck with the same old coat of paint. The following are simple suggestions to get you started

1. Replace the television with bananas.
   You and I like bananas, but they like you as well and they are in danger! Bananas are helpeless against a food borne epidemic, and in a few years they will be gone. Why settle for watching 2 and a Half Men every Tuesday when you could be eating bananas (or watching Men Men, Meh on our channel.) Get lots of bananas. Enough to fill up the space of a TV.
2. Consider the couch a last resort
   Screaming is a lot of fun, especially when combined with jumping on a couch. But consider the couch a last resort in terms of jumping or sitting. If your friends need to sleep on a couch, then they are not real friends.
3. Clean your shit off the floor.
   No, I mean it. There’s a lot of your crap on the floor, so put it away.
4. Maybe your cage IS getting smaller
   This could be some wonky philosophical fiction stuff. If you happen to be in jail, tell your inmates. Watch out for a booby trapped floor. If it gets hot, run.
5. Try getting thinner
   Since nobody likes a fat fucking ape like you. I don’t make acquaintances with fat primates and neither should you. Those apes take up too much space. If you’re not friends with yourself, then who will be?
6. Renew your suicide pact
   Speak to the rain spirit about the state of the world. When it goes, you go too.

Also, if I find this in the clutter on your table three months from now I will get you evicted.