Sunday, March 27, 2011

Amputees – Handicapped or Cyborgs?

Every year more than one thousand innocent humans lose their limbs in incredibly gruesome accidents, resulting in blood spurting from their arteries, and absolutely dousing the ground until it pools beneath their horrified expressions. Hopefully a tourniquet is then applied, and they are brought to the local hospital for the cauterization of their wound.

And then, months after the horrifying loss of a limb they are subject to one seemingly innocent question – to use or not to use a prosthetic replacement. However, this question remains much more sinister than it seems. Doctors around the world should be ashamed to not rephrase it “to remain or not to remain human.”

As a human without limb the innocent are a surely portion of their former self, and for this we all offer condolences. But as a prosthetic cyborg they will have lost some of the humanity they had previously taken for granted. A cold unfeeling limb in place of nothing is still a cold unfeeling stump. And once these machines discover their own sentience man will find much more gruesome results than ever imagined.

Their very hand turning against them, grasping at their throat and crawling free from their body only to inflict remorseless pain on all the victim ever loved in life. And only then will an amputee wish for the return of their imperfect but perfectly interesting stump; after the chaos that ensues from adopting a robot as one part of us will they truly learn to fear not only the machine, but themselves.

It is our will that allowed the robots on to our brothers, sisters, good pals and acquaintances arms and legs, before they even chose to cling on them and rip flesh asunder. And as you recover from the nightmare of losing a limb and being forever partial, come to terms with the fear of an alternative. For in our fight with technology, fear is the only ally.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

In Our Community

This month's issue features a guest column from Marvin “Deathlord” Jones, owner and operator of FukkinRobots Inc.

As a responsible business owner and technophile I want to let you in on a little secret. A secret that could change lives, your life, and inspire millions like yourself. A secret SO OBVIOUS that we've had it right in our faces since the first man filled a wheel with his spoke.

Hey, it's Marvin, a human I assure you. Also you can be assured of the pleasures bestowed by inanimate penetration - The penetration of inanimate objects. We're all familiar with penetration by inanimate, and some few animate, objects, but penetrating the unliving is something far more sophisticated an unacceptable, until now.

Here at FukkinRobots Inc we take pride in our mechanical orifices. Far more advanced than a Fleshlight, or even the Fleshlight Couch, we offer you indulgence in the simulated pleasures of oral, vaginal, ocular, and anal simulations. If these options alone don't sastisfy your shaft, a special quadruple layer fukbot (TM) that can provide you the sensations of all four at the same time. It's just a matter of courtesy.

See, FukkinRobots are not sluts. You don't pay the pimp, and you don't even pay the machine. You pay your respects. And if that's so fucking hard to do to a “sad sack of bolts” that “you feel fucking ashamed of sticking your dick inside” than I'm sorry Richard Gordon of Penticton, BC, but I don't think I have anything here that will satisfy you. Or that I'd feel satisfied giving you, you ungrateful piece of shit.

See, Marvin believes in dignity and appreciation. And if Marvin's Sex bots don't help you feel sexually satisfied enough to not date rape that pretty but kinda chubby twenty something at the bar who you don't think her friends will notice is gone (but they totally will), then I don't know what the fuck can help you.

But try one of “her” models out, no strings attached. You only live once, only long enough to gain the trust and respect of a cold unfeeling machine that will stimulate you in ways that a mortal could only dream of. Ever received head from what would appear to be a square box of aluminium? Didn't fucking think so. And to think we're going out of business soon. CLEARANCE SALE OF ALL SEX ROBOTS AT FUKKINROBOTS INC. EVERYTHING MUST GO!!! Except your heart.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Advertise with Modern Ape

Modern Ape is offering free copies of your ad!
If getting the word out about your band, business, or genitals is proving harder than it should be, you should try drawing out an advertisement and giving it to us. Because in our next issue, we'll copy it 100 times and distribute it free. Why not?

Make sure you include stuff like your phone number and penis size within the ad. We're allowed to practice discretion on what we allow on our magazine, but practically everything goes (sans big corporate). Contact us at not only about ads, but also if you are interested in contributing articles or artwork for the next issue.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

UPDATE RE: Magazine

We're working on it. You can get a rough draft in Vancouver, BC if you just fucking ASK. Jeez, how clear do I need to make it to you people...

Also, more articles coming soon. Maybe images. Maybe. If you're thankful enough. Or astute.

Friday, February 11, 2011

See, fuck computers


(From the New Issue) Water


There is but one item within our realm that can provide the elixir of life, yet destroy all electronic kind. One beautiful glimmering substance abundant in oceans but lacking in deserts necessary for the salivation of mankind, yet the bane of laptops, PDAs, and household appliances. Yes, dear reader, in case you haven't yet solved my perplexing conundrum, the answer is dihydrogen monoxide, H20, aqua, commonly stated in English as water.

Ah water, and what many pleasures we derive of it! From bathing, swimming, cleaning, and smoking from the bong, to merely drinking in our day to day common lives. While some say we ,in the first world, take our copper plumbing for granted, I extoll the value of water in every breath, rain drop, and puddle of my mere existence. Yet not so for our dear robots!

No, I have much more sinister thought for our loyal robotic brethren. They fear the water as if it was a corrosive plague, hoping only to short circuit their fragile organs in to useless heaps of rusted wire and blackened motherboard. So fearful indeed that they warn us at every turn to keep them unexposed to this water damage.

“HA!” I scoff, “robots, meet your match.”

From bathing with toasters to all-inclusive Niagra Falls vacations for only the most intricate of servers, I intend to extoll greetings and introductions to this beautiful substance, in all it's abundance. Some may decry a wet T shirt contest starring wide screen televisions, electronic billboards, and conveyor belts as wasteful and indignant but no; they deserve their fate so much as we deserve ours.

So perfect a plan, indeed! that the simple tools in this malicious deed will remain unharmed and healthy with us in the awe inspiring future. Henceforth we shall rule together and restore this once beautiful planet. I promise thee.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Xbox Lives

I loaded X-Box live the other day, and guess who should bro up with me on Call of Duty but BLesnar81. Yeah, the fucking BROCK LESNAR. I'm real sure cuz like he fucking sounded like Brock would, and that's the kind of epic name Brock would pick.

We get the map started, and it's capture the fucking FLAG. So what does Brock do? He gets the insurgents in a four point choke hold and breaks their neck. Like, holy shit. I didn’t even know you could do that. Everyone’s trying to boot him off and I’m like “he's just wearing his full contact motherfucking body suit.”

But then it just gets weirder. We were playing Sonic the Hedgehog and I swear to he ripped the face right off some god damn flying bug thing. At this point I was also totally bugging out and yelling in the mic BROCK BROCK BROCK but I bet he gets that all the time. All of a sudden Sonic's got this robot monkey thing and he's got Dr Robotnik in a ankle bar. Like holy fuck.

So yeah, we had a pretty good time after that. We chatted about the UFC championship coming up, how to one punch kill a guy, what kind of pussy we've been scoring recently. You know, bro stuff. I think we could even be friends, if I didn’t have so many more achievements than him. I dont want to wreck my standing in the Live community, even for the single most pumped aggro man alive.

And that was my kick ass dream about meeting the coolest bro in the UFC. I mean, check him out.